Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: ‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?’
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa, they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant.
In Eastern Europe, they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant.
In Western Europe, they didn’t know what ‘shortage’ meant.
In China, they didn’t know what ‘opinion’ meant.
In the Middle East, they didn’t know what ‘solution’ meant.
In South America, they didn’t know what ‘please’ meant.
In United States of America, they didn’t know what ‘the rest of the world’ meant.
Tuesday 30 September 2008
Monday 29 September 2008
Joke from my jokes collection 6
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: “Darling, I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn’t paid their last bill: “Are you Mrs. Smith? You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the man from the electric company.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.”
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
“What’s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?”
“Just calm down,” says the clerk, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut you off.”
“And what would my wife do then?”
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn’t paid their last bill: “Are you Mrs. Smith? You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the man from the electric company.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.”
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.
“What’s going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?”
“Just calm down,” says the clerk, “it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut you off.”
“And what would my wife do then?”
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.”
Sunday 28 September 2008
Joke from my jokes collection 5
A British doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it into another man and have him out looking for work in six weeks!”
A German doctor says, “Dat’s nottink! Vee can take a brain out of von person, poot it into anoder and have him preparing for war in FOUR weeks!”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind! We just took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work and the other half is preparing for war.”
A German doctor says, “Dat’s nottink! Vee can take a brain out of von person, poot it into anoder and have him preparing for war in FOUR weeks!”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind! We just took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work and the other half is preparing for war.”
Monday 22 September 2008
Joke from my jokes collection 4
A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he’s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.
“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what’s that pop every so often?”
“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every tenth condom.”
“Well, that can’t be good for the condom!” the man states.
“Very true, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business.”
“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
“Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but what’s that pop every so often?”
“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every tenth condom.”
“Well, that can’t be good for the condom!” the man states.
“Very true, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business.”
Sunday 21 September 2008
Joke from my jokes collection 3
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. All of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”
Friday 19 September 2008
Joke from my jokes collection 2
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle, “Well...?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’-2”, hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, ‘My God...’.”
The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle, “Well...?”
She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’-2”, hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, ‘My God...’.”
Thursday 18 September 2008
Joke from my jokes collection 1
I was in my car during a traffic jam, and I could see a man walking between the cars, apparently asking something to everyone as he passed. The man walks up to my car and knocks on the windshield.
I open the window and he asks: “Hey, Did you hear the news? The Pakistani Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs. 100 crore for their release. If they don’t pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!”
“Oh God!” I said, “This is just unbelievable”.
“That’s why I’m walking from car to car, to collect”, said the man.
While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: “Well, about 5 litres!”
I open the window and he asks: “Hey, Did you hear the news? The Pakistani Cricket team is being held hostage, and they ask Rs. 100 crore for their release. If they don’t pay it, they threaten to put petrol on the players, and light them!”
“Oh God!” I said, “This is just unbelievable”.
“That’s why I’m walking from car to car, to collect”, said the man.
While I was getting my wallet out of my pocket I asked the man how much most people usually give, and the man said: “Well, about 5 litres!”
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